Life

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  • The years that weren’t

    Working remotely it’s often easy to hide what is going on with yourself. It’s often easy to hide not just from the world but from your own self. You can accomodate, you adapt. You ignore the symptoms and keep going. Because you are lucky to have the job you have, to do the work you do. Because the work you do gives you energy. Until the work you do can’t anymore because you have run out of energy.

    This was what I experienced and hit my hard even though it was slowly poking me over a number of years. I just wasn’t listening to my body. I wasn’t taking the reduction in the food I could eat. I was taking the reduction in my ability to do things. Then the pandemic hit and well, it all was weird anyway.

    Functioning

    I have learnt many things during the past few years and the biggest is that when I am functioning alone this is a warning sign. I am not saying that functioning is bad, it’s needed. For me, simply functioning and not also creating, being energised and potentially being a ball of ridiculous frenzy at times is a warning light.

    The pandemic ebbed and flowed, I wasn’t aware but my health was rapidly going downhill. I was getting some incredible opportunities and life experiences but each became harder to navigate with my body breaking down around me. I grew to accept and I grew to take more medicines to function as it was worked out what was wrong.

    It reached the point where I was spending a lot of time both in hospitals to stay or I was going to appointments and tests. I was functioning, but I was still able to keep functioning and for that I am incredibly thankful.

    Accepting

    One of the worst things about losing control is accepting it. Waiting for a diagnosis, or a next step and going through each scary test is hard on anyone. My journey had a next step and that gave me the ability to accept. To move on to the next space after.

    My diagnosis is good for this step, it seems my gallbladder was the silent culprit for many years collecting rocks and impacting my liver. A perfect storm of symptoms that could be resolved by an operation so many have had before me. If this is just the next step it is a step that is good though.

    Finding

    Whirling through 2023, I got to November and along with a lot of support the next step. I am now nearly finding myself again. I am finding out how much I was accepting. I am finding out how much was on pause.

    I am finding myself so grateful for those that supported me during this time. Those that gave me space to function. Those that let me have moments when I couldn’t do what I had before, or be who I had been. We all will experience years like this and I won’t forget it, but I am finding myself again, you always do.

    In all this, I am learning that community is so special, important. Sharing isn’t as scary to do as you think. I am learning to say thank you and find myself again. I am learning to do something I used to love, blog again.